


A Man of a Different Kind

by Captain_Angst



Series: A Man of a Different Kind Series [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s, Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Intersex individual, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-02-22 05:44:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2496626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Angst/pseuds/Captain_Angst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers was no ordinary man, and it scares him. There is a dark secret that lurks underneath his clothes, and it could threaten the only friendship he ever had. This is his tale of self discovery and acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. From the Beginning

Steven Grant Rogers was born on July 4th 1918 to Joseph and Sarah Rogers. There was something different about this baby. He was plagued with multiple aliments; asthma, anemia, colorblindness, scoliosis, partial hearing loss, and a poor immune system. That wasn’t what marveled doctor’s though. The big medical mystery about Steven was that…he was born with a vagina. 

The doctor’s told Sarah Rogers that she had given birth to a baby girl that day, but something in her gut told her they were wrong. As doctors did further studying of the baby they noticed the hormones were off. Sarah decided that she wouldn’t tell her husband about how she felt and named Steve what she had. Sarah and Joseph already had a rough relationship now. He was abusive ever since he got injured in the war, and she was getting sick of how he was treating her. But, with the new baby…she needed him around for financial help. 

Years passed and Sarah raised Steve as a little boy. As new medical advancements were made about chromosomes and hormones, they learned that Steve was in fact a boy. He was just different…She knew there was always something special about her baby, she felt it in her heart when she was pregnant. Steve was six when Sarah left Joseph. He remembers his mother and father fighting over him. He remembers his father calling him a freak of nature… That’s probably when he started to question himself. 

As Steve got older and he went out to play with other boys, Sarah always told him to be careful. Trouble followed Steven like a shadow though, and that’s how he happened to meet his best friend. 

“I said leave her alone!” Steve said as he shoved at an older boy. His skinny body barely doing anything to the larger brute. The kid laughed and threw the girl’s doll so he could really pay attention to Steve. One upper cut was all it took and the blonde was on his back, bleeding from his nose. Then he heard it. 

“Hey! Pick on someone your own size!” A brunette called, punching the kid across the cheek. The Brunette turned to Steve and offered a hand up. “Hey, you okay?” He asked. Steve took the hand and slowly sat up, hand going to his nose. 

“’m fine.” He mumbled around his hand. Tears clung to his eyes but he refused to cry over a punch to the face. 

“That was really stupid, he was twice your size!” The older boy said, laughing some.

 

“So? I could have taken him…” Steve said and wiped his face. “I’m Steve Rogers.” 

“James Barnes. You can call me Bucky.” He said and shook Steve’s hand, not worrying about the blood. “Where’s your Ma? She would probably want you home after a fight like that.” 

Steve smiled a little. “I live back here, want to come?” He asked and wiped his hands on his pants. 

“Yeah, I better make sure you don’t get in anymore trouble, shorty.” Bucky teased and walked Steve back home. 

It was the start of a long and complicated friendship. Steve and Bucky became inseparable. Sarah would leave Steve at the orphanage where Bucky stayed with the nuns. She liked it because the nuns helped to teach Steve and it allowed her to work without worrying too much. Steve and Bucky still managed to get in all sorts of trouble. Bucky learned how to take care of Steve when he had his asthma attacks. He also learned a lot from Sarah when Steve was sick. She was glad that the boys were so close, and was relieved that Steve had made a friend, she treated James as her own and all was good. 

Time passed and Sarah watched with worried eyes as Steve approached puberty. The doctors had her worried that he would take a more…feminine route when his body reached the mile stone of development. They were both relieved that it wasn’t the case. Steve didn’t seem to have fully developed internal plumbing of a woman. He was glad because he didn’t want to explain to Bucky what would happen during those weeks of menstruation or the sudden development of breasts. The doctors sat Steve down and gave him the talk about how he was different when he was eleven. So now at fourteen he knew it would always have to be a secret and that he would never be able to have sex with anyone. 

His body was his body. And…he grew to hate it for many reasons. Wither it was the constant bouts of illness, the asthma attacks and flu or the fact that he was 5’4” tall and barely 95 pounds, he didn’t know. Boys teased him growing up, cracking short jokes to the point Steve would deck them and Bucky had to drag him away. He was glad he had someone who saw him normally though, even if Bucky never knew the real Steve. 

Steve’s mother passed away when he was nineteen. It was a very hard time for the blonde because she was the only other person besides his doctor that knew him and loved him how he was. He felt so utterly alone for the first week…and then Bucky came by with the offer. 

“Hey, I know what you’re probably going to say, Punk, and I just want you to hear me out. We could get an apartment together and split the rent and the bills. I don’t want you thinking that I’m doing this for charity either. You’re gonna get a job, and even if your skinny ass gets sick you’re gonna help out. Maybe you can shine my shoes, too.” Bucky offered with a grin, his hand on Steve’s shoulder. 

Steve looked up at the brunette and smiled through the sadness he was currently feeling. He didn’t feel alone with Bucky…he had always been there for Steve when he needed him most. “Fine, Jerk. You’re shining your own damn shoes though.” He said and chuckled a little.


	2. An Average Day for Steve Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I am being nice! Have Chapter Two today, but otherwise I will post a new chapter every Wednesday. Thank you for reading.

Steve was always secretive about his daily routine with Bucky. Steve either got up after the brunette left so he could go to the floors bathroom in peace, or he was up and ready long before Bucky even thought about getting up. The brunette was so comfortable with Steve that he walked around the apartment in his underwear after long days of work or long nights of dancing. Steve though? He wasn’t interested in any of that.

Bucky would set them up on dates, and Steve would go out. He would be a gentleman to the dame and try to give her a nice night, but that was it. The dames never seemed as interested in Steve as they were for Bucky and the blonde couldn’t help to be jealous. He was jealous that Bucky got to have a normal life and he was stuck with abstinence and masturbation. 

Steve slept in a shirt and pants every night, hiding his body from Bucky. The older man occasionally teased the blonde, especially as the weather started to get hotter. It was the middle of July and Steve had just turned twenty. 

The blonde was laying in their dark shared bedroom on his small cot. He was wearing a pair of sleeping pants and an undershirt. It was so sticky and hot in the space that Steve was surprised he wasn’t wheezing right now. Sweat clung to his brow, his bangs sticking to the moist skin. Hell, everything was sticking to his damp alabaster skin. 

“How the hell are you dressed right now?” Bucky huffed from his cot on the other side of the room. He was about as naked as he could be without taking his underwear off. He was staring at the blonde in the dim lights of the open windows. His eyes wide in awe and amazement of how Steve wasn’t dying with heat over there like he was. Steve had it so much worse and was just trying to ignore it. “Yer makin’ me hot.” Bucky whined. 

Steve rolled his eyes and refused to move, he didn’t have the energy to move. “Will you quit starin’, Jerk, and go to sleep?” Steve huffed. He was panting quietly and slowly sat up. He couldn’t stand it now that Bucky had to point it out. He slipped the undershirt off but kept his pants on. “You know I don’t like sleeping naked, makes me feel weird.” Steve mumbled and rolled so his back was to Bucky. 

The brunette hummed and rolled onto his back. “I don’t know how it makes you feel weird, it’s great in the summer.” He mumbled and rolled again, unsettled in his cot. There was no breeze tonight and the air hung heavy in the room. “Ya know…now that you say it I don’t think I’ve ever seen you naked.” Bucky mused and looked at Steve’s form on his cot.

Steve could feel a blush creep onto his face and he didn’t need that heat right now. “So?” He asked quietly. He heard Bucky chuckle on the other side of the room. 

“Nothin’ Stevie, just know that you don’t have to be shy around me. I’ve seen you covered in puke and blood. What’s me seeing you as naked as a jay bird?” He mused and closed his eyes again. 

Steve huffed and got up. He felt gross and uncomfortable now that Bucky was talking about his body. He had every reason to be shy around the brunette because he wasn’t normal and Steve didn’t want to lose his only friend. The shorter blonde walked to the bathroom and wiped his skin down with a rag before he came back to find Bucky sleeping. He was relieved the conversation was over and he tried to sleep himself. 

Steve got up the next morning and saw that Bucky wasn’t in his bed. He smiled a little and grabbed his towel. He stripped down and wrapped it around his slim waist as he made his way to the bathroom for a shower. Just as he went to open the door, Bucky did. The taller man smirked, drying his hair with a smaller towel. 

“Good Moring, Punk.” He said and ruffled Steve’s hair with the towel. He chuckled and stepped to the side. “The hot water is out again, but we can’t really complain with this heat.” He said and started back to their apartment. Steve’s cheeks were flushed and he nodded. He quickly went in and shut the bathroom door. Well shit…

By the time Steve was finished with his morning routine, Bucky had made them both oatmeal and was eating in the small kitchen. Steve practically ran to the bedroom to get dressed before Bucky saw him. 

“Hey, we are going out tonight. Just so you know, your dates name is Jenny.” Bucky called after the flustered blonde. He always questioned why he was so secretive about these mundane things. He knew Steve was iffy about his appearance and he always tried to assure him that one day he would find the right dame, settle down and have kids. He couldn’t understand what went on in the younger man’s head though, it seemed like he was scared of dating. 

What Bucky didn’t know was that Steve knew damn well what and who he wanted. He came out of the bedroom doing the last button on his shirt. “Alright, Jenny. I can handle that.” Steve said and grabbed his bowl from the table. “Thanks for breakfast.” He said and tucked into the bland meal. It’s what they had to work with, and Steve was used to being dealt the hard cards in life.


	3. Getting Ready for Tonight

Steve was relieved that he actually had a job today. A shop a few blocks from their run-down apartment had asked Steve to paint a sign for them, and Steve eagerly said yes. It had been a while since he had any real job, after his last falling ill, and he didn’t care what it paid as long as it did. He was going to get a dollar and that was just great for him and Bucky. 

When he finished and went and picked up a few groceries, they had been running low on food to begin with. He was happy that he still had seventy-five cents to put in their little coffee jar of savings. They always tucked any extra money away, just in case. Normally it was for medicine for the blonde, and Steve hated how dependent he could be at times. But, he and Bucky were used to the co-dependency now. 

Steve walked into the shared space and put the food away in their small ice-box and whatever else in the pantry. He went and took another shower to get the paint off of his hands before their date tonight. He didn’t see why Bucky had to do this. He was always trying to set Steve up with a girl. Bucky knew the short blonde was God-awful at talking to women. He could barely hold a conversation with one without getting red in the cheeks. Yet the brunette always tried whether it was Mary, Betty, Sally, Jane, Maria, Sue, and now Jenny. As he got dressed he looked at himself in the grimy mirror hanging on the shared bathroom wall. He had the sinking feeling that tonight was going to be like every other ‘date’; a complete and utter failure. 

Now, don’t get him wrong, Steve liked women. He always did. The soft curves of a woman’s body made his blood heat up in his veins. He could never have it though. His doctor told him that he would never be able to have sex with women, or ever have children. He accepted that bitter fact with grit teeth. He was going to have to live a life of abstinence and die a virgin. It was not what the blonde wanted. He didn’t even want to tempt himself with kissing a dame, so he never tried on these date-nights. 

Another secret that Steve had come to live with? He also caught himself looking at fellas. Well, really one particular fella that he just so happened to live with and spend most of his life with. He would never tell Bucky though, for fear of losing the only good thing that had ever happened to him. It feels like he was always dealt the shit cards when it came to life, but Bucky? Bucky was Steve’s ace in the hole. He was always there when he needed him, and even when he didn’t want him there. 

Steve sighed softly and fixed his hair, his fringe hanging in his eyes a little no matter what he tried. He grabbed his supplies and went back to the apartment to draw while he waited for Bucky to get home from the docks. 

By the time Bucky got home he barely said a ‘hello’ to the blonde before he was off to shower and get ready for the date. Steve had noticed that women didn’t like when you took them out still smelling like sweat and work. He chuckled softly and shoved a quarter in his pocket from the jar and waited for Bucky to get ready. The brunette came back looking sharp as ever, and Steve internally chided himself for looking as long as he did.

“Are you ready now, Princess?” He jibbed, grabbing his house keys. He was rewarded with a chuckle from the older man.

“Yeah, c’mon. We have some pretty dames lookin’ to dance with us.” Bucky said and ruffled Steve’s hair up. The blonde huffed in mock irritation and tried to fix his hair with his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'll update every Sunday, I hate keeping you guys waiting. So, again I am being nice, please review and leave comments. They really make my day, thank you for reading.


	4. The Harsh Spiral Downward

Jenny was a bombshell. He was just taller than Steve, had nice curvy hips. Her warm brown hair was set in perfect pin-curls and just…wow. The kicker though was that she was also interested in art, and not so much in dancing. Steve was sitting with Jenny while Bucky and his date were on the dance floor. He smiled timidly at the girl.

              “So, uh, you said you like art?” He asked, trying to fill the silence. Steve’s heart was racing, his palms sweaty. This girl kept giving him looks. Looks that promised more after tonight’s first date. It made his stomach sour with worry and dread.

              “Yes. I draw a little myself, I hear that’s what you mainly do? I’m more of a painter.” She said shyly, tucking her hair behind her ear. God, she looked so sweet. Steve couldn’t do this.

              “Oh, that’s great. I tried to paint, but I have trouble. I-uh, can’t see some colors.” He muttered and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. She reached out and took his trembling hand in hers.

              “Hey, it’s okay. Bucky told me you were a shy thing, and that girls made you nervous. I don’t mind, I think it’s sweet.” She smiled and scooted closer to Steve. The contact made another wave of panic shoot through him. Touching always set him on edge, even when it was just Bucky. He pulled his hand back and took a deep breathe. _I’m so sorry_ , he wanted to say.

              “It’s not that. Look, you look like a really sweet girl, but you ain’t my type. You’re…not pretty enough for me, doll.” He said, and waited. Jenny stared at him, eyes tearing up a little. She…thought they were making a connection. She stood up and slapped Steve across the cheek, going to find Bucky and her friend, Claire, so they could go home.

              Steve sighed deeply and slumped, letting his head hit the table. This was just great… Bucky came storming over, grabbing him by the shoulder so he could sit up and look at the enraged brunette. “What the hell is wrong with you!?” He hissed, pulling Steve out of the dive bar. Steve let him rant and rave until they got home. His words hurt.   
             

              “I can’t believe you, Steven Rogers!! Do you know how hard it is to find a girl who ain’t lookin’ for a soldier?! She was an artist too! You would have been perfect! But no, you have to go and say she ain’t ‘pretty enough’ for you? What the fuck is your problem, Steve? Every single girl I-“Steve growled and whipped around to glare at Bucky. Something snapped within the blonde.

              “Well maybe you should just stop meddling in my life! I don’t need you trying to set me up with dames! I don’t want a dame! I am so sick and tired of you acting like you know me when you don’t, Buck!” He yelled back.

              Bucky stared at him. “What do you mean you don’t want a dame? Steve you’ve never even kissed anyone.” He shook his head and ran his hand in his once neatly combed hair. “Look, I’m just trying to-“

              “To help?! To help me what? Find a dame because that is what we are supposed to do? Well that’s not what I fucking want, Bucky.” Bucky stared at him. Steve was cussing…Steve rarely cussed, even at Bucky. “You think- You think I want what you want. You think I want to go out dancin’ at night and drinkin’ and meeting dames so I can come back and have a good time with them. That’s not what I want at all. That’s not what I can have!” The smaller blonde’s chest started to heave as he got himself all upset. His cheeks red from screaming.

              “Steve. Stevie, calm down yer gonna give yourself an attack-“Bucky tried, stepping toward the worked up man.

              “No. Shut up and listen for once will ya! Do you ever stop to ask what I actually want instead of just assumin’? No! You wanna know what I really want, Bucky? What really makes me happy and makes me want to keep fucking going on?” Steve’s eyes were brimming with tears and he didn’t even realize it. He was so wrapped up with his own whirlwind of emotions consuming him. He didn’t even know what he was saying. “I want you! I always fucking have and I always will!”

              The room fell silent. The two young men caught in a staring contest. Steve’s words hung in the air like thick smoke. The blonde’s eyes widened when he realized what the hell he had just said, his hand going up to cover his mouth. Bucky was stunned and gaping at his best friend.

              “Steve!” He called, delayed. He watched the short man bolt from the room and out of the apartment. Bucky stopped at the door, watching as he was already at the stairs.

              Steve didn’t hear Bucky call his name. He only heard the sound of his racing heart in his ears as he bolted. He ran into the night, not stopping until his lungs burned and he was practically having an asthma attack. He slumped against the wall of a bar and caught his breathe. He looked up at the sign…he might as well drink tonight from his memories…. Maybe that would numb the pain tomorrow when Bucky kicks him out. 


	5. Let the Smoke Clear

**Chapter 5**

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Whether it is literally from the amount of liquid in your mouth or emotionally? Well that's how Steve felt right now. He had gotten kicked out of the bar just before sunlight, and he was piss-ass drunk. He was stumbling home, head barely on straight enough to stop walking to vomit in an alley. But, somehow he had made his way home.

Bucky had waited up all night, worried sick over the little blonde. He said he loved him…The words made Bucky's skin crawl with excitement. He never knew Steve swung that way, and yet he was absolutely okay with it. Bucky didn't give a shit about race, or if you were a fairy or not. He didn't care in the comfort of their home what Steve did. Steve was Steve, and Bucky would always do whatever it took to keep him happy, healthy and alive. He was sitting on the couch, the side lamp on in the early hour when he heard a ruckus at the door. He got up and opened it.

"Christ, Steve. What did you do; drink your weight in cheap gin?" Bucky said and grabbed Steve by the shoulder, easing him into the apartment and shutting the door. All the anger had left the brunette. He couldn't be mad at Steve for pushing away all the dames he tried to set him up with if he was a fairy…

"Shuddup… I dun' need yer pity." The blonde slurred and swat at Bucky's hand. Steve was a lightweight when it came to booze, he always head been. So, going out and drinking as much as he did was a very bad idea. He could barely stand up that's how drunk he was.

Bucky just sighed, guiding Steve to sit down on the couch. "Just stay here, Punk. There ain't no pity." He said and walked off to get a bucket. He knew Steve was going to be puking, that was a promise in the state that he was currently in. He handed the bucket to the smaller boy.

Steve hugged it close, and looked at Bucky with dazed eyes. He got misty eyed as he looked at his best friend. "Yer gonna kick me out…" He muttered into the bucket. Bucky frowned and sat down on the couch beside him.

"I ain't gonna kick you out. I got no reason to kick you out, Steve. 'Sides I promised yer Ma I wouldn't let you get yourself in trouble…" Bucky whispered and pet Steve's head. Steve shook his head, tears falling and making soft sounds as they landed in the bucket.

"Steve, what's gotten into you? Huh?" Bucky asked, squeezing the younger man's shoulder. He knew now wasn't the best time to be having a serious conversation with the blonde, but it was probably the only time he would ever really open up to Bucky. Steve took in a shaky breathe, his cheeks burning with shame.

"Just kick me out, I ain't worth it." He muttered and looked away from Bucky. "I love ya, and it ain't gonna change. You shouldn't live with a fairy, Buck, find a dame and have fun." He sighed. There was an edge seeping into Steve's voice. A venom that the brunette couldn't place. Steve knew that tone all too well though, it was the same self-loathing tone that was in his head.

Bucky frowned and pulled him closer. "…What if I don't want a dame now that I know that's how you feel too?" He murmured into Steve's hair. Steve shook his head again. Bucky kissed his head. "I want you, you little shit. Now puke and get sober so we can talk about this like adults."

Steve kept shaking his head. His voice came out in a small scared whisper; "No one would ever want me if they knew…" The brunette instantly frowned with worry.

"If they knew what, Steve?" He said, turning Steve so he could look him in the eyes. Tears sluggishly slipped out over those long lashes.

"That I'm a freak…" He breathed and pulled out of the embrace. Bucky had it. He didn't like the blonde talking like that. He pulled Steve so he was sitting in his lap, facing him. Steve's eyes were wide at the man-handling, but still glazed over with raw emotion and booze.

Bucky cupped his cheek in his larger, work calloused hand. His thumb swept over Steve's rosy bottom lip. "I have no clue what you are talkin' 'bout, Stevie…" He whispered, looking the other man over. "Yer the prettiest man I have ever seen." He softly kissed the flushed, tear-sticky cheek. Steve stared at him stunned and went to protest.

"Shush, just listen." Bucky said and thumbed his cheek. "You're perfect to me, Steve. You're so pretty dames should be jealous." He kissed just below his eye. "Yer eyes are so pretty, and your eyelashes are a sin. How did you get to be so damn handsome, Stevie?" He pulled back and kissed the blonde, internally grimacing at the taste of cheap gin.

Steve was shell-shocked. It vaguely got through what Bucky was saying. He loved Steve too, and he was calling him things like  _pretty,_  and  _perfect._ All of the things Steve  _could never be._  He groaned softly against Bucky's lips and kissed back.

"I wanna show you how much I love you…" Bucky murmured and picked the blonde up, flipping them so he could hover over him. Steve blinked up at him and nodded. He wanted more. He never wanted Bucky to stop kissing him. He reached up and pulled the soldier down for another deep frantic kiss. Bucky chuckled into it and started on the buttons of Steve's shirt.

Steve was lost in the sensation. His virgin body so caught up in how amazing it felt to be touched. Bucky was kissing at his neck, and quickly working his way down. He stopped, Steve's legs wrapped around his waist, as he kissed and teased the petite man's dusky nipples. Steve was a gasping moaning mess. It all felt so good. Bucky's hand went to undo the button on Steve's pants…and it was like thunder cracked.

Steve sat up, quickly shoving at Bucky's chest. A ragged, "NO!" left the blonde as he pulled away, curling into himself. His chest was heaving, panic tightening in his thin frame like a vice around his heart. Bucky was calling his name, his hands on Steve's skinny shaking shoulders. The blonde didn't hear him. He was stuck somewhere between a panic attack and an asthma attack. He was heaving, trying hard to get air into his lungs. Then…

Then everything went black.


	6. Will you see the real me?

Steve woke up sometime in the late afternoon. He had a splitting headache as his eyes fluttered open to stare up at the cracking plaster ceiling. He groaned softly and threw his skinny arm over his eyes to keep the light out.

              “Head hurts? That’s what you get for drinking as much as you did.” Bucky murmured from somewhere beside Steve. The blonde slowly turned to look at the brunette, flashes of what happened coming back to him.

              “Bucky-“He started, but shut up when he saw the look on his face. Bucky rarely ever looked that serious. Steve swallowed, feeling his throat go dry.

              “Shuddup, Steve.” Bucky mumbled and ran a hand dejectedly in his hair. He was sitting there in his slacks and under shirt, hunched over toward the blonde. “Ya had me worried sick. We need to have a serious talk about what has gotten into you the last few days.” He said, straightening up and pinning Steve with his gaze.

              The blonde slowly nodded, sitting up on his cot so he could be more level with Bucky. “What do you want to know?” He asked softly, his heart beat was still ringing in his ears. Bucky frowned at him. Wasn’t it obvious?

              “Why didn’t you tell me you were a fairy? I wouldn’t have forced you out on all of those dates.” He said, elbows resting on his knees as he glanced away from Steve. Steve shook his head and sighed.

              “Cause…’Cause I ain’t a fairy. I like dames, Buck…I just like fellas too. But,” He stopped to wet his lips, looking up to catch the other’s blue eyes with his own. “But you seem to be the only fella for me so far. I haven’t looked at any other ones.” He mumbled and huffed. Bucky frowned at him.

              “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Punk?” He said. There was a firmness in his tone, but Steve could still hear the affectionate ring to ‘punk’. His mouth twitched into a small smile.

              “I wasn’t sure you felt the same, Jerk.” He mumbled and ran his fingers in his blonde hair, combing out any tangles nervously.  Bucky chuckled softly.

              “Yeah, well…If I didn’t love you, Stevie, I wouldn’t keep ya around. You cause way too much trouble for someone your size.” He jeered. Steve rolled his eyes and weakly punched Bucky in the shoulder.

              “Are we done? Can I go get a shower and take something for this headache?” Steve complained weakly. He knew damn well a headache was nothing compared to what went on in the last few days. Bucky shook his head and put a hand on Steve’s knee.

              “No. You’re stayin’ right there. Why did you freak out on me? If you wanted me to stop you could have just said it, Steve. You didn’t have to give yourself an attack.” Bucky said, looking at Steve with such a protective gaze. It made the blonde squirm in his seat.

              “Nothing, Bucky. I didn’t mean to act like that.” Steve said and went to stand up. Bucky held him firmly in place.

              “Something like that ain’t nothing.” He said, frowning. “Steve, we have known each other for most of our lives. Why do I get the feeling you’re still hiding something from me?” He whispered. His eyes were searching Steve’s face. The blonde couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look at Bucky. He stared down at the space between their bodies. “You are hiding something…” He breathed, eyes widening with realization.

              “A guy ain’t allowed to have secrets?” Steve asked, pushing Bucky’s hand off his knee. “I’m sure you-“

              “I don’t keep anything from you, Steve! I always told you everything because I trusted you! I always thought you did the same.” Bucky said, his gaze getting cold. He glares at Steve, hurt in those grey-blue eyes the blonde loved.

              “Dammit, Buck…if I could tell you don’t you think I would?” Steve said and stood up. Bucky reached out and grabbed Steve by the arm. Never would Bucky dream of using his size difference over Steve, but now he was.

              “Steve. You can tell me anything and that would never chang-“ Bucky started. The blonde shook his head.

              “This would change everything, Bucky!” He yelled, meeting his eyes. Bucky was floored. He had never seen that much fear in the blonde’s face. Steve would take on guys twice the size of Bucky and just push that fear down, but this? Steve looked like he was going to drop any second.

              “I just want to help you.” He said softly, loosening his grip he had on Steve’s forearm. Steve shook his head and looked down.

              “There is no helping a freak like me.” Steve said, his body started to shake again. The blonde's tone was so...cold. It made Bucky's stomach uneasy. He pulled Steve into a tight hug.

              “Steve, you could never be a freak to me.” He said into those soft blonde strands. The blonde just whimpered and clung to Bucky’s back for dear life.

              “Do…do you really mean it?” He breathed into Bucky’s shoulder. The soldier nodded and hugged him tighter.

              “Of course I do…’till the end of the line. Remember, Punk? I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.” He said and grabbed Steve’s chin, making them lock eyes. Steve slowly nodded.

              “Okay… I’ll tell you.” He whispered and stepped back from the embrace. “Take a seat on the cot.” He mumbled, not looking at Bucky. The older boy listened and watched Steve with a worried cautious gaze. Steve’s trembling hands went to his fly and button. Bucky’s eyes widened.

              “Steve, what the hell are you doing?” He breathed, eyes darting from Steve’s face to the motion of his hands.  Steve bit his lip and sighed, shakily.

              “I’m showing you my secret.” He said, and dropped his pants.


	7. Do you think I'm an Oddity?

It felt like time slowed down as he felt the fabric of his slacks slide down his skinny legs. Steve’s heart was racing, and he wanted to run. _No one_ has ever seen him naked before, and he just wanted to go and hide. But he didn’t. He stood his ground like a deer in the headlights, and waited for the head on collision.

              His underwear hung loosely on his hips, men’s underwear never really did fit him right. He reached out with a shaking hand, a burning blush spreading like wild fire across Steve’s face and chest, for Bucky’s hand. With a deep breath, he pressed Bucky’s hand to his clothed crotch. He watched, holding his breathe, as Bucky’s expression changed.

              Excitement, shock, worry, realization, confusion, and disbelief. The brunette blinked and looked up at the blonde from where he was sitting on the cot. “Uh…S-Steve?” He whispered, the obvious question hanging in the air. Steve bit his lip and sighed.

              “T-take a look, you ain’t going crazy…” Steve mumbled and closed his eyes. Bucky reached out slowly, hands trembling himself as he lightly grabbed Steve’s hips. He pulled the blonde a step closer and tugged the waist band of his boxers to take a look. The brunette gasped and slowly went a beet red, face still confused.

              “Steve…You’re a da-“Bucky started but Steve quickly jabbed him in the chest with a boney finger.

              “No! You listen here and you listen good, James Barnes. If you _ever_ call me a dame I will not hesitate to punch you in the face. I am a man, just like you. I have been since I was a kid and this is my body. The doctor’s say I am a man, I _am a man.”_ Steve burst, cheeks flushing with fury. Bucky blinked up at him at the outburst and slowly nodded.

              “…it makes sense now why you didn’t even want me seeing you naked, Stevie.” Bucky murmured and pulled the underwear back so he could look again. “So…you were born like that?”

              Steve nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been like this all my life.” He mumbled and squirmed under the judging eye.

              Bucky smiled a little and wound his arms around Steve’s waist, pulling him into his lap. “And why you are so jumpy around girls…Steve, this is why you feel so bad, ain’t it?” The brunette asked. He realized how many times in the past few years that Steve has fallen into bouts of depression. Steve just nodded and pressed his face into Bucky’s shoulder.

              “You can’t tell anyone.” Steve said, clinging to Bucky’s undershirt. The brunette frowned down at Steve.

              “I would never tell anyone, Steve. This is you we are talking about, you mean the world to me, you little shit.” Bucky said and kissed Steve’s head. “You are still perfect in my eyes, this…this is just going to have to take some getting used to.” Bucky mumbled and rubbed Steve’s thigh.

              The blonde nodded and shivered under the touch. “So…you would still want to be with me? Even after you know?” Steve said, looking up at Bucky with questioning, skeptical eyes. The brunette flashed his charming smile, a smile that was really only meant for Steve and nodded.

              “Of course I would. I love you.” He said and pecked Steve’s lips. Steve blushed deeply at the words and smiled against Bucky’s soft lips. Bucky pulled back and chuckled. “Go shower, then I wanna look at you, if that’s okay with you…” Bucky said and rubbed Steve’s back. Steve blushed and nodded.

              “Yeah, but…only if you don’t laugh.” Steve said and shyly looked away.

              Bucky frowned. “I would never laugh at you…but I do have a lot of questions.” Bucky said and let Steve go. Steve nodded.

              “I’ll answer what I can.” Steve said and walked over so he could get his towel and bathroom supplies ready. Steve… Steve was extremely relieved. Bucky didn’t freak out, he didn’t call him a freak, and he seemed very open to learning. Steve let out a soft sigh as he walked to the shared bathroom down the hall, towel around his waist. Bucky must really love him.

              His heart was fluttering. Bucky loved him. Bucky Barnes returned Steven Rogers’ feelings of love. The blonde couldn’t believe it. The past few days had been so shitty and yet here he was, with a new lover. He laughed to himself as he washed up with soap.

              When he got out of the shower, he walked back to their apartment, towel around his waist. Normally he wouldn’t leave the bathroom unless he was fully clothed, but why get dressed when they were just going to come off anyway? He never thought this moment would come. He locked the front door behind him and walked back to the shared bedroom.

              He found Bucky laying back on the cots. Steve raised an eyebrow. Bucky had moved the small cots so they were pressed against each other. He chuckled and shut the door.

              “Planning something?” He asked. Steve walked over to the window and shut the curtains. The world didn’t know what was about to happen. The world didn’t need to see Bucky get to learn Steve’s body. They didn’t need to see the true intimacy of what was about to take place.

              Bucky chuckled and sat up on his elbows, watching the blonde. “Not really, I was just waiting for you, Handsome.” He said and smiled shyly at the blonde. Bucky was scared shitless. He was scared that Steve would chicken out and not let him really love him how he wanted to. He was terrified that he would hurt Steve, physically or emotionally.  Bucky was scared that after this, this huge step, their friendship would never be the same.

              Steve smiled and walked over to Bucky. The towel still tightly around those slim bony hips. He blushed and sat down on the shared cots. “Are you ready?” Bucky whispered, reaching up to cup Steve’s cheeks in his larger hands. The blonde looked down for a split second, then met Bucky’s blue-grey eyes. There was that little fire back in Steve’s baby blues.

              “Only because you’re here.” Steve replied, smiling shyly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are very welcome, I want to know what you readers think.


	8. It's me, Really.

Bucky just stared at first. His brain was still trying to wrap itself around the fact that there was Steve, sitting naked next to him on the cot…but he was clearly looking at a dame's crotch. It was completely boggling to the brunette and he tried to meet Steve's face, but his eyes kept drifting down. It was like a car crash. You have no idea what is really going on, yet you find it beautiful, disturbing and you can't look away.

Steve on the other hand wanted to crawl out of his skin. He could feel Bucky staring. He had no idea what the thoughts were going on inside his best friend's mind. He kept telling himself that this was  **Bucky**. Bucky would never do anything to hurt Steve. Hell, Steve couldn't count how many time the older boy had risked his hide to save Steve's dumbass. There was a hitch to each of his breathes, panic making his chest tight as he tried to fight it off.

Bucky could see how hard it was for Steve. He could only imagine what it was like. He took the towel and slowly laid it back over Steve's lap, hoping it would offer some kind of relief from whatever Steve was doing to himself. Bucky knew Steve. He knew that the blonde kicked himself for things that could never be his fault. He was his own worst enemy and the brunette wanted nothing more than to keep the smaller man safe. Bucky took a deep breath and cupped Steve's cheek.

"Stevie." He breathed, trying to get the blonde's attention.

Steve's eyes were closed, almost screwed shut. He took in a breath and looked at Bucky. His heart stuttered in his chest. There was no judgment. There was no hatred. There was no disgust. There was only confusion and worry on his friends face. He blinked a few times, his bony fingers balling into the towel hiding his lap.

"Yeah?" Steve croaked.

Bucky smiled gently. "Calm down, Punk. You're getting yourself all worked up again. I can't handle you having another attack right now. Not with what you put me through in the past few days." His tone was soft. Softer than anything Steve expected out of Bucky. It made Steve's skin tingle as a blush swarmed his cheeks. The blonde nodded and sighed softly.

"Sorry this is just-"Bucky was the one to cut him off this time.

"Strange? Yeah, but it's you. I'm glad you told me, Steve. No…I'm glad you trust me this much." Bucky whispered. In all honesty the brunette was beyond frazzled. He didn't want to let Steve know just yet. He needed to remind himself that this was Steve. This was his body and his life and he could not say anything stupid to offend the blonde. Steve was already so upset too.

Steve nodded and forced a small chuckle. "Okay…ask w-whatever it is you want to ask." He whispered, trying to meet Bucky's eyes. The brunette returned a small smile and nodded.

"Okay…can you-" Bucky felt so rude for asking this, but it was the one thing weighing heavily on his mind. He took a moment, wet his lips and tried again. His nerves were making his hands tremble some. "Can you get pregnant?" He asked after a moment. Steve chuckled at how flustered Bucky was.

The blonde shook his head. He reached out and cupped Bucky's cheek. It was so rare he saw the soldier blush like that. He always looked so damn handsome. "I can't get pregnant. I'm infertile…at least that's what the doctor said. He says that my insides aren't the same as a woman's, just the outsides are." He said quietly. He was so not used to saying these things to people.

Bucky nodded slowly. "Okay…so you are a man. You can't have kids…do you…ya know, bleed?" Bucky asked, nose wrinkling a little at the thought. Steve couldn't help but laugh at the expression.

"Nope. That goes with the pregnant thing." Steve said and shifted. He laid his head on Bucky's shoulder. He needed the comfort. Bucky smiled softly and wrapped his arms around Steve. He pulled the skinny boy to his chest and lent back against the wall their cots were pressed to.

"Okay…so can you have sex?" Bucky asked, not looking down at the blonde. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He wanted this to be as relaxed as it could be, just Steve sitting in his lap, telling him all the secrets of his life. Steve blushed and pressed his face into the crook of Bucky's neck.

"Well…I mean I haven't tried, Buck." He muttered and huffed softly. Steve felt too disgusting to try and ask a dame if she would try with him. There was no real way for him and a dame to do it, but he and a fella could. He just didn't trust any fellas to not out him as a fairy though. Or worse, out him as a freak. "I don't see why I couldn't…"

Bucky nodded, frowning a little as he listened to Steve. He knew that people wouldn't see the blonde the way he did. That's been the case almost all of their life. Steve was a trouble-maker with an angelic face, Bucky got called the bad influence. Steve came up with most of their hair-brained ideas, and yet Bucky got most of the spankings. Steve got himself in so much damn trouble on his own, and Bucky was the one to always get him out of it.

The world would just see Steve as a freak. Bucky hated that fact because Steven Rogers was a gift to the world. Steve was so selfless it was almost sickening. He wanted so badly to do the right thing that it nearly got his little ass killed numerous times from fighting in back-alleys. Bucky was still trying so hard to keep him away from any drafting tents, because he knew the second Steve got the chance he would join the army. He never wanted his precious Steve to see the horrors of war. He took a deep breathe to calm his racing thoughts.

"Steve… Listen to me." Bucky said and shifted. He cupped Steve's cheek and locked eyes with the younger man. "You mean so much to me. I would love to be your fella… I understand damn well what that means and I know you do too." He licked his lips and thumbed Steve's rosy cheek. "We would have to stay secret. This…what you just trusted with me would never leave this room." He promised. He would hate himself if that ever got out because of him.

Steve nodded and kissed Bucky's lips softly. "I would love you as my fella, Bucky…" He breathed, his heart swelling at the thought. "We just-" Bucky chuckled.

"Need to take things slow…" Bucky promised and pulled Steve in for a slow and gentle kiss.

Bucky nodded and chuckled softly. "So…have you…" He bit his lip and brushed his fingers along Steve's thigh. He wanted to ask if Steve knew that he could feel pleasure. Bucky was so damn curious and he just wanted to explore Steve's body for himself. He didn't want to push the blonde though. "-touched yourself?" He whispered, finishing his thought.

Steve went red and he nodded. Of, course he has. He bit his lip and searched Bucky's face. "Yes…" He said, voice quivering a little. His heart was racing again. "Do…do you want to touch me?" He asked, nuzzling his nose against Bucky's throat. He heard the brunette's breath hitch a little.

"I would love to, Stevie…but do you want me to?" He asked, looking at the blonde. Steve smiled shyly, lip caught in his teeth. He nodded.

"I'll tell you when to stop…" He whispered into Bucky's throat. He took the towel in hand and let it fall to the floor, leaving him exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review?


	9. Let the Games Begin

                          

              Steve was a panting mess. Bucky had kissed him to the point he felt drunk off of his touches. His head was spinning and his body was tingling under each caress. Bucky was kissing along Steve’s stomach, his legs spread to rest on the brunette’s shoulders. The blonde’s eyes were closed, his long fingers fisted in Bucky’s hair.

              “Christ, Steve… you’re soaked.” He heard Bucky mumble. His voice sent another wave of want though the blonde. It was so much lower than before, just a husky whisper now. Steve made a soft noise in the back of his throat and rolled his hips. He needed Bucky to touch him there, it was driving him mad.

              “Bucky… please.” He whined, tugging in the auburn hair. Bucky smirked and nuzzled the inside of Steve’s thigh. He wanted to take his time with this, to really get to know what Steve’s body liked and what it didn’t. James reached up, his finger rubbing circles over Steve’s clit. The younger man cried out, his hand flying up to cover his mouth. They had to be quiet. The walls were already paper thin and if anyone had suspicions that they were doing these things the police could get involved.

              Bucky looked up at Steve with wide blue-grey eyes. That wasn’t the response he was expecting… The noise Steve made sent another bolt of want straight to Bucky’s cock. He tenderly rubbed the small nub again, watching as Steve gasped and squirmed under the caress.

              “Bu-cky…” Steve all but sobbed out. He wanted more. He felt such a pressure in his loins that he just wanted to cum. Bucky nodded and drew his hand back. As much as he wanted to tease Steve, he also wanted to make the other man feel good.

 “Alright, Alright, just breathe Stevie.” He murmured.

Bucky made sure that his fingers were nice and slick. He rubbed Steve slowly, watching as he fought hard to keep his noises muffled. Bucky bit his lip, Steve was so beautiful… “You sure you want this?” He asked, rubbing Steve’s hip with his other hand. The blonde was biting his lip, nodding. He needed Bucky to do it. He needed Bucky to touch him. He wanted Bucky to take him.  The brunette nodded, his cheeks flushing as he pushed his finger forward and watched as Steve’s body just swallowed it.

“God Stevie… you’re gorgeous” Bucky breathed again in that low husky tone. Steve rolled his hips around the finger, trying to get more. Bucky rocked it in and out, watching Steve’s body for reactions. He slipped his second finger in with ease, scissoring them slightly. Steve sighed at the feeling of having something inside him. No, not something. _Bucky._ Bucky was inside of him… He moaned again, covering his mouth with his hands.

Bucky had been with a few women in his time. He had the general idea of how these things worked, what a dame liked. He knew how to get a girl off, but this was Steve. He didn’t want to treat the blonde the same way he would treat one of his gals. Steve was special. This was special. Bucky took in a quiet deep breathe and lent forward, rubbing that small nub with his tongue as he moved his fingers faster. He was surprised by Steve’s hips snapping at the contact. He was almost scared that he had hurt him, but he heard the desperate moan from the blonde.

Steve was so close. It felt like Bucky was just hitting all of the right spots on him. He was squirming, no _writhing_ with pleasure. He never felt like this when he fingered himself, and then he felt Bucky’s mouth on him. He could feel the brunette kissing him in the most intimate way. He could feel his tongue rubbing where his fingers met Steve’s folds. That was what did it. Steve came, his vision going white and body tensing.

Steve was panting hard, eyes fluttering open to stare at the cracked plaster ceiling again. Bucky had stopped touching him. The brunette was sitting on the cot beside Steve looking at him with a smug smirk on his face. “Shuddup…” Steve mumbled, blushing deeply.

“I love you.” Bucky breathed and kissed Steve’s forehead. He was so proud of himself for doing that to Steve. Steve seemed to love it… He kissed his head again. “I’m going to go get a rag… you’re a mess.” He said and got up. He walked into their small kitchen, washing off his hands and returning with a rag for Steve to clean up.

Steve took it without a word and wiped himself off. “That was amazing, Bucky… but don’t let your ego get any bigger because of it.” He said and pulled the brunette down to cuddle. Steve laid his head on his chest and listened as the older man chuckled.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He mumbled and hugged the smaller man close.

              Steve chuckled, snorting softly with laughter. Bucky looked down at him and raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?” James asked. Steve shook his head and kept snickering. James rolled them so he could look Steve square in the eye. “Tell me, Punk.” He said, trying not to smile because Steve’s laughter was so contagious.

              “Your dick is poking me, Jerk.” He whispered and grinned as Bucky went beet red. The older man shook his head and lightly slapped Steve’s thigh.

              “Well, yeah. What do you expect, Steve? That was really hot and I love you and…” He cut himself off, not wanting to shove his foot in his mouth any further. Steve smiled lovingly up at James, his hand cupping his cheek.

              “It’s flattering… but I’m too tired to help. Go take care of your Johnson.” He said and rolled over on the cot. James stared at him, frowning. His eyes held a playful fire though.

              “You’re a little shit, Steven Rogers.” He said and rolled onto his cot so he could take care of himself in peace.


	10. Always have to be the hero

              Things seemed perfect. Steve and Bucky had fallen into a very comfortable routine. Bucky would go out to work at the docks, and when Steve wasn’t sick he would deliver the newspapers as his new job. It didn’t pay a lot, but the money was still welcome, and Steve was happy to be doing something. But with all good things, they had to come to an end.

              While Steve was delivering papers one day, he passed by an alley and heard a ruckus. He looked down and saw four other men ganging up on this poor guy in the middle of it all. And then he heard what they were saying as their fists flew. “ _Fairy!” “Queen!” “Sissy!”_ It set Steve’s blood on fire… The small blonde dropped his paper bag and walked over toward the crowd. “HEY!” He bellowed.

              They only stopped a moment to laugh at Steve. “Go away, short-stack, this has nothing to do with you.” One of them rumbled and kicked the man in the gut. Steve grit his teeth, his fists balling.

              “No. I don’t think you understand. You need to leave that guy alone.” He said and grabbed one of their shoulders. Steve’s heart was racing. They were so much larger than Steve was and could easily snap him like a toothpick. He set his jaw firm though, pushing down that fear.

              “And what are you going to do if we don’t? Why do you care about some queer?” He hissed, boxing Steve back into the wall. Steve held his fists up, ready to defend himself and this stranger. The larger man chuckled and just decked Steve, expecting him to go down from that one hit.

              Steve staggered back up, wiping the blood from his nose. “That all ya got?” He asked and took a swing at the other guy. He hit Steve again and again, but the blonde refused to go down. The first victim had gotten up and ran away by this time, thankful that Steve had stepped in. Steve was glad that he helped the man, even if he was getting his ass handed to him now. Each blow got a grunt from the blonde. His face ached, he was sure his nose was broken. When they went for gut shots, Steve felt all the air get knocked out of him, and his lungs struggle to take another breathe in. But still he refused to stay down. He refused to surrender.

              “Hey! Pick on someone your own size!” Steve heard Bucky’s voice. He chuckled a little and slumped against the brick wall of the alley. He was amazed by how often Bucky came to his rescue, even when he had no clue where Steve was. It was like he had a special sense that let him know when Steve was doing something stupid. The bullies left, Bucky had done a number on them.

              When Bucky saw that they were beating Steve up, something inside him snapped more than it did before. That wasn’t just his best friend they were beating now. That was his lover, and he would be damned if he let them get away with that.

              “What the hell were you thinking?!” He hissed and looked Steve over. His eyes were going to be black and swollen, his nose may not be broken, but it certainly looked that way from the amount of blood on Steve’s face. He couldn’t see if there was any other damage to his chest, but he would look when they got home.

              “Had to step in… I could have taken them.” He said, smiling a little at Bucky. The brunette shook his head and slung Steve’s arm over his shoulder.

              “You dumbass. Always have to be the hero… one of these days I’m not going to be around to save your ass and you are going to get yourself killed.” He grumbled and stopped to pick up Steve’s paper bag.

              “What did they do?” Bucky asked after he let himself cool down a little. It was times like these that he wanted to strangle Steve himself. He hated seeing the small blonde battered like that.

              “They…” He sighed and looked around, making sure that no one was in ear shot. “They were beating up a gay man…” He said. Bucky stopped walking.

              “Steve.” He breathed and looked at him, his eyes wide. Steve knew he shouldn’t have done it. It was a silent rule in the neighborhood you don’t step in on those kinds of situations. If you did, you might as well just come out as gay then and there, and now there was a target on Steve’s back. “You’re kidding…” He whispered. Steve looked down and shook his head. “Christ, Steve! Do you have a death wish?!” Bucky said and grabbed his wrist, pulling him quickly inside their apartment building.

              “Bucky, I couldn’t just stand there-“ Steve said, once they were back into the privacy of their own home.

              “No, of course you couldn’t have, Steve. You’re too damn good for that. But you do realize what you did right?” Bucky said, pacing in front of Steve. Steve nodded and wiped at his bloody nose again.

              “I do… I wish I could say that I’m sorry, but I’m not.” He said and looked at Bucky.

              “I know you aren’t, Punk…” Bucky stopped, running a hand in his hair. His mind was racing, trying to think of ways that they could possibly fix this. Then it came to the brunette.

              “Alright, I got it, Steve.” He said and looked down at his shorter, bloodied, lover. “We don’t go out together for a little while… I’ll be all yours when it is just us, here, at home. But out there, we had a fight, and aren’t talking to each other. It could still be over Jenny.” Bucky wet his lips and sighed. “I’ll still go on dates, and things will be swell… I promise.” He looked at Steve. “Let’s clean you up…” He said.


	11. An Act of Love

Steve sat on the cot and hissed quietly as Bucky wiped the blood from his face with a damp rag. The brunette chuckled softly and shook his head with bittersweet amusement. “Ya know… it’s funny. You won’t say a damn thing when you get roughed up like this; but when I clean ya up, that’s when ya flinch.” He murmured and rinsed the rag in the bowl of water Steve was holding. Steve shrugged his shoulders and smiled wryly.

              “Yeah well, you’re clumsy when ya patch me up…” He said softly and looked at the dirty water. All of that was he blood… He sighed and shook his head a little more. Bucky saw the change in Steve’s eyes and cupped his cheek.

              “Hey, Stevie… look at me.” He whispered. Steve’s gaze hesitantly rose to meet Bucky’s blue-grey eyes. “I ain’t mad with ya… just worried.” He said and tenderly thumbed the blonde’s cheek.

              Steve nodded and smiled a little at Bucky. “I know… and I shouldn’t be worryin’ ya like this… but I couldn’t not say something, Buck…” He said, tone soft. Bucky’s smile widened a little, love showing on his face. It made Steve blush. “What?”

              “You’re too good for yer own good, Rogers…” Bucky said and pulled Steve in for a tender kiss. Steve hummed quietly against his secret lover’s lips. He lent forward and pressed his face against the warm tanned skin of Bucky’s neck.

              “If ya say so…” He whispered. Steve’s heart sunk a little, that self-loathing voice back in his head. He felt his chest tighten and feel heavy, like lead was pooling there. Bucky huffed a quiet sigh and kissed the side of Steve’s head, reading his body language.

              “Hey… C’mon Stevie… don’t do that. Just-“ Bucky smiled a little bit and tilted Steve’s head to look at him. “Just let me take care of you.” He whispered and kissed the blonde deeply. Steve made a soft noise of surprise but closed his eyes, melting into the loving kiss. Bucky’s hands took the rag and bowl from Steve, setting them on the ground. He pushed his baby boy back against the cot and knelt above him.

              Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck, his hands messing up those soft chestnut locks. Bucky broke the kiss and started to nibble and suck on the sensitive skin just behind the hinge of Steve’s jaw. The blonde gasped quietly, a smile forming on his lips, Bucky knew just what buttons to push… He hummed, his nimble fingers going to start the task of disrobing the solider of his shirt.

              Bucky flung the article away once it was open and off. He loved the feeling of Steve’s talented hands caressing his skin. Steve pressed his fair share of kisses to Bucky’s neck and shoulder, his hands trailing along his chest and sides. Steve loved the size difference, no matter how much he envied Bucky. He would love to be normal and healthy, and to serve… but at the same time… It was such a blissfully naughty feeling to have a lover that could just man-handle you into whatever position they wanted.

Bucky pulled Steve’s shirt off, than his under shirt. He just wanted to see his lover. He frowned mentally at the bruises staining that perfect pale skin, but they would heal. He kissed over Steve’s sharp collar bone, his tongue dipping into the hollows making the younger man squirm. His head dipped lower, lips catching and teasing one of Steve’s dusky nipples.

              “Bucky!” He gasped, voice breathy with want. It sent shocks straight through the older man. Bucky chuckled, husky against his chest.

              “What is it, doll-face?” He murmured and looked up at Steve through his mussed up bangs. Steve snorted softly, going red at the pet name. He wove his fingers in his lover’s hair and playfully tugged.

              “What are you getting at?” He whispered, carding his fingers in that hair instead. Bucky smiled up at him and nibbled on a small nub, causing Steve’s breath to stutter.

              “Just want to show you how much I love ya…” He breathed and pulled at Steve’s fly. When he got it open he pushed the just-a-size-too-big pants down the blonde’s skinny legs. Steve lifted his hips to help James get the pants off. He would have to do laundry tomorrow morning, since those were his only clean pair of pants left.  He pushed that thought from his mind as Bucky’s fingers teased his inner thighs.

              James looked at Steve. His eyes were reflecting the worry that he felt as he started to rub Steve through his boxers. They had been working together, to see what his body liked. Steve was hesitant about full blown sex just yet, and Bucky didn’t want to push the shorter blonde too far. The furthest they had gotten was three fingers with James mouthing at his clit. He couldn’t believe how wild it made Steve, he had to bite the pillow to keep from anyone hearing.

              Steve looked down at James and cupped his cheek. He wanted to try…he wanted to try so badly. Bucky would be his first and it meant the world to Steve. He nodded and pulled him in for a short tender kiss. “I want this, Buck…I want to try this.” He whispered and kissed him again.

              James pulled back and looked at him, the air shifting with the seriousness of the situation. “You’re sure?” He asked, rubbing the slim boney hips. Steve nodded and sat up on his elbows.

              “Absolutely sure.” He said, trying to smirk at James despite his nerves. Bucky smiled and pulled Steve in for a deep kiss. Steve lifted his hips again, easing his boxers down and exposing himself for the brunette. James dipped his hand between Steve’s thin thighs and rubbed at his folds, trailing kisses down his neck.

              Small moans left them both. Steve’s long fingers were working on opening James’s pants, teasing his cock from outside of the material. He was excited. Steve’s heart was racing in his chest. He chuckled softly and rubbed at James’s back.

              Bucky let his mouth trail down Steve’s pale skinny body. He was careful of the pools of deep blue forming on the alabaster skin. He didn’t want to cause any unnecessary pain to his little Steve. James sat back on his knees, stepping off of the cot to let his pants drop before he climbed back between Steve’s legs. Steve wound his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, his fingers teasing the hair at the nape of his neck.

              James slipped his hand between then again and eased a finger into Steve, the way he knew he liked it. Normally James wasn’t that worried about being rough with the dames he had sex with. He always made sure to remember a rubber, but he never took his time like this. He treated Steve as if he were made of glass, and if he stretched him too fast it would be over. The breathy moans that left the blonde spurred him to move the process along faster, but not by much.

              It felt like a life time passed when James finally had three fingers in him. Steve was panting softly, pulling at Bucky’s hair. “C’mon and just do it!” He whispered hips rolling in needy circles. Steve wanted more, he needed more and he couldn’t stand the teasing any longer. James nodded and swallowed thickly.

              “Okay. Okay, calm down…” James said and pulled his fingers out. He used his messy fingers to try and lube his member some more before he lined up with Steve’s opening. “You sure?”

              “James Barnes if you don’t fuck me I swe-“ Steve’s threat got cut short as James rolled his hips forward. The slight nudge of his hips pushing the head in. Both men let out a groan. Bucky’s eyes fluttered closed at the tight wet heat that was swallowing his cock so easily. Steve was frozen somewhere between utter bliss and wonder. He wasn’t quite sure how his body was taking Bucky in the way it was, and sure it hurt a little bit. He felt so full and it knocked the air out of his lungs for a few heartbeats.

              “Steve…Stevie baby, breathe for me.” Bucky gently reminded, kissing at his flushed cheeks. Steve gasped and nodded. He clung to Bucky’s body when he stilled, letting Steve adjust.

              “Oh Fuck-God… Buck move. Move please.” He breathed, burying his face in his shoulder. Bucky nodded and did as told. He rolled his hips, starting a quick rhythm. He was getting so lost in the feeling, not focusing on anything else besides Steve. His scent, the sound of their skin meeting… it was all beautiful to the brunette.

              Steve was biting his lip. He was so close to start with, but he never thought that it would feel like this. His toes curled, his body twitched. Steve gasped and moaned and groaned and tried so hard not to scream when he came. His face twisted in pleasure, mouth falling open in a silent scream. He wasn’t even expecting it, but there it was. His vision blurred and Steve went limp, orgasm already passing.

              James groaned low, his jaw clenching, head tossing back. His hips stuttered as he came inside Steve, moaning softly at the feeling of the smooth walls tightening around his member. Steve whimpered softly and squirmed at the feeling, pressing his sweaty forehead to James’s neck. “B-Bucky…” He whispered.

              “You okay?” Bucky asked, pulling out and tilting Steve’s head so he could look at him. Steve nodded and smiled, happily dazed still.

              “Sleep…”He mumbled and hugged Bucky close. Bucky chuckled softly and pulled their excuse of a blanket over them, settling on the cot beside Steve.

              “Yeah, alright…Night Stevie, I love you.” He whispered kissing his head.

              Steve smiled and kissed Bucky’s shoulder, resting his head there and curling into the larger body. “Love you too…” He slurred before falling asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Review and let me know what you think?


	12. Why does it hurt so much, if it is supposed to help?

After Steve woke up and got dressed again, he walked out to the small kitchen and made dinner. Over their meal they discussed Bucky’s idea about how to handle the possible rumor that may be floating around. They both agreed to go with Bucky’s plan, being lovers only at night and friends in the public eye. As much as Steve hated it, it was what they had to do.

              Weeks passed and the weather started to cool. Bucky would go out some nights after work to take dames out on a date, leaving Steve alone in the apartment. The brunette would come home smelling of booze and perfume, and his collar would be smudged with lipstick. It made Steve feel sick with jealousy and hatred. Bucky was his lover…but he could never truly be Steve’s, could he? Some nights it drove the blonde to curl up in his cot, hot angry tears on his face. He wasn’t angry at the girls, or at Bucky. He was angry at himself, and the world. He didn't feel good enough for the brunette. He didn't feel good enough to have such an amazing thing, and yet what they had force Bucky to go out and sleep with real normal women. Steve felt so disgusting, because he wasn't either, man or woman... he was just lost. He hated being alone with those thoughts, they made him feel lower than dirt and like he couldn't breathe.

              If Steve were a dame they could be happy and open and not have to hide their feelings for one another. He was mad at the world because it was society’s fault they had to hide. It was God’s fault Steve was like this, but he refused to bring the Big Guy into this… it was his sin anyway. Steve sobbed, punching his pillow as he tried to get himself to calm down. He dragged Bucky into this mess. Then he heard the creaking of the front door opening. Steve quickly wiped his cheeks off and laid back down in bed.

              Bucky came in, pleasantly drunk. He had a date with…huh, he couldn’t even remember her name. Anyway, he had a really swell time with the girl, but it wasn’t the same as touching his Stevie. He loved dames, but Steve…Steve touched him in ways Bucky didn’t realize before. All the sounds the blonde made when they fooled around, it made James’ head swim. It was like a completely different sensation altogether because it wasn’t just a cheap fuck… it meant something to them both. They loved each other.

              Bucky slipped into the bedroom and shucked his coat off, tossing it on his cot. He smelled like his last date, and could faintly still feel her hands all over his body as he fucked her up against the wall in the bathroom. The entire time he was thinking of Steve. It took so much effort out of him not to cry out his lover’s name whenever he went out on these dates. Maybe that was why he never learned their names…

              He laid down on Steve’s cot and pulled the blonde close, pressing kisses to his boney shoulders. “Hey, Beautiful.” He mumbled and rubbed at Steve’s hips. James couldn’t see it, but Steve’s eyes were clenched shut. His mouth was a firm line and it looked like he was about to turn and clock the brunette.

              “Don’t call me that.” He mumbled and pushed at Bucky’s hands. Steve could smell her, whoever she was. He could just see what they did in his head. He could feel his heart breaking in his chest… He couldn’t do it. He needed Bucky to be just his. He couldn’t watch him leave every night, know what he does, and then have him come home and touch Steve in the same ways. Does he call them ‘beautiful’ too? What if one day Bucky finds himself the girl of his dreams and sees Steve as the freak of nature that he really is? Would he leave Steve? Would Steve lose the only real friend he has left?

              Bucky frowned and sat up some. “What’s wrong, Stevie?” He whispered sweetie. Steve felt another pang of guilt go through him. Steve sat up and scooted away from Bucky.

              “I can’t do this.” He said, not looking at the brunette. He really thought he could do it, but it just hurt too much. Bucky reached out and put his hand on Steve’s shoulder.

              “You can’t do what?” Bucky asked, trying to turn Steve around. “Would you look at me?”

              Steve turned and looked at him with teary blue eyes. “I can’t do this. I need you to either be mine or dump me, Bucky.” Steve said, clenching his jaw.  Bucky’s eyes widened.

              “Steve, Baby, don’t cry….” He pulled the blonde in for a tight hug. “Can’t do what? What’s bothering you?” He asked, tone dripping with worry. Steve huffed and pushed against Bucky’s chest.

              “Stop touching me!” The blonde snapped. “Stop it! I can still smell her on you and I hate it!” He said and got off the cot all together to stand in front of Bucky. The brunette watched him with wide eyes. “I hate it so much, Bucky! I thought I could handle it but I can’t. You’re mine and I can’t stand to know they touch you and then you come home to do the same to me…” He wheezed slightly, taking a few breathes to calm himself down.

              Bucky frowned and pulled the distraught blonde close. “Steve…shush. If you didn’t like it, you could have just said something, punk… We’ll think of something else, I promise.” He whispered into Steve’s hair as the blonde hid in his neck. Steve nodded slightly and let out a shaky sigh.

              “I love you, Bucky…” He whispered and pulled back to look at his best friend, his lover, his only real companion in the world. Bucky smiled tenderly and pressed a chaste but loving kiss to his lips.

              “I love you too, Stevie… you don’t have to worry about anyone ever taking me from you. I won’t let it happen and I feel bad for anyone who is stupid enough to try.” Steve chuckled.

              “I’d kick their ass…” He said and softly kissed James’ jaw.

              “I know you would, Punk…” He pulled Steve to lay with him on the cot again. Steve settled, his head on Bucky’s chest. He pressed his ear there, and listened to his heartbeat. Bucky was right… no one could separate them, and Steve would kill them if anyone even tried…. He closed his eyes, thinking of their life together. He didn’t want to focus on the fear, just that he could spend so much time with James in the future, even it if had to be in secret. Maybe there would be a day they didn’t have to hide their love. Steve dreamt of that world, and had no idea of the nightmare he would wake up to tomorrow…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was thinking of doing a sequel with Big!intersex Steve...what do you guys think?


	13. First stop to the rest of our lives

That day started out normally. Both Bucky and Steve took their turns showering and getting ready for work. Steve made them oatmeal as a quick breakfast because Bucky was still hung over from the night before. The mailman came early that day, and it all changed though. There was a letter addressed to Bucky…from the Army. Steve’s heart sunk when he saw it. 

              “Buck…” He breathed and handed the other the letter. They both knew what it had to be. It was Bucky’s drafting notice. The brunette frowned and opened it, quickly reading over the typed letter. He shook his head.

              “Stevie, I-“ Steve started to wheeze. Of course this would happen! Things just started to get better and now Bucky was going to go and risk his life in the front lines! Why couldn’t it be Steve!? Oh, but Steve knew why it couldn’t be him. Steve knew the army only wanted strapping young men to defend this country and not genetic nightmares like Steven Rogers. It was a shame really.

              Bucky reached out and pulled the blonde close. “You know I have to do it.” He whispered into the blonde hair. There was no way that Bucky couldn’t get out of doing it. He didn’t want to leave Steve, especially because he knew the blonde well enough to know he would go and try to get himself enlisted as soon as Bucky left. Steve nodded against his chest and fought the tears that welled up in those baby blue eyes. It broke Bucky’s heart to see how upset Steve was getting. His own throat started to feel tight with emotion.

              “How many days until you leave?” Steve asked through soft pants. He had to keep his asthma under control. Bucky sighed and shook his head, he didn’t want to say it. It would just make this nightmare so much worse. “How long, James?” Steve repeated, his voice more firm. The brunette sighed at the use of his first name and not the nickname they were both so used to.

              “I leave on Monday.” He said sadly. It was already Wednesday and that didn’t give them a lot of time.  Bucky had to go to work today to let his boss know that he was drafted. He would talk to the landlord too, this way they wouldn’t kick Steve out. Bucky would hate himself if he found out something bad had happened to the blonde while he was gone. Dammit, he was going to come back home to Steve after this, there was no doubt in Bucky’s mind.

              Steve let out a quiet whimper, his chest felt so tight. He clung to Bucky and shook his head. “Not so soon…” He mumbled, the tears staining his cheeks. Bucky hushed him and hugged the blonde tighter.

              “Shush, Steve… I’ll make these last few days special, I promise.” He said and kissed Steve’s head over and over. Steve nodded slowly and pulled back, wiping at his face.

              “We have to go to work.” He mumbled, his voice going void of emotion. Bucky frowned. Oh no, Steve was holding it all in. Bucky _hated_ when he did that. Before he could say anything though Steve had moved from the embrace and put his empty bowl in the sink. Steve grabbed his coat from the back of a chair and slipped it on. “I’ll see you, Bucky.” And with that, Steve was gone.

              Bucky huffed and sat down heavily at the kitchen table, he had no idea what to do about this. He didn’t know how to make it up to Steve. Three and a half months of this nice little relationship, and it feels like it was all a waste. Bucky was scared that he wouldn’t come back. He knew what war looked like, that was why he didn’t want Steve anywhere near it. Steve was too good for war… he would get himself killed trying to do the right thing. Bucky got up and grabbed his coat, heading to work to tell his boss the news.

Steve delivered his papers faster than he ever did before. He needed to find the nearest enlisting tent and try again to get in. He needed to go with Bucky, he wouldn’t know what he would do without the other around now. He went into the tent, and barely made it past the pre-medical inspection. Steve failed again though, so he caught a train and tried again in New Jersey. Again he failed. He didn’t know what the hell it would take for him to get accepted, but he wouldn’t stop until he was in the goddam army.

              Sunday came faster than ever imagined. Steve had been distant. He didn’t want to think of everything as the possible last time he does things with Bucky. It wouldn’t be the last time. The small blonde had been more on edge too, more fights in the last few days than in the course of the past month. Bucky was really starting to get worried.

              He found Steve in an alley, fighting yet again. Bucky was in his uniform this time, the sight both breaking Steve’s heart and stirring that fire inside of him.

              “I had him on the ropes.” He mumbled and stood up. Bucky hummed and looked at Steve.

              “Sure ya did, Punk.” He said.

              “So… you ship out tomorrow.” Steve said, looking him up and down.

              “Yeah… Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th. Due to England first thing tomorrow…” He said and gave Steve a salute. Steve shook his head and smiled at James, hiding all the pain behind that little smile.

              “So where are we going tonight?” Steve asked, walking with Bucky.

              James grinned and slung an arm around Steve’s shoulders. “The future!” He said, showing him the paper. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, it looks like I will be making a sequel. Thank you all so much for reading.


	14. A Chance

              Well, the future didn’t last long. Steve and Bucky stuck around long enough at the convention to see the flying car fail. Steve was heartbroken over the fact that Bucky was leaving, and he slipped away in the crowd to find another recruiting tent. He didn’t know Bucky had followed him until he grabbed his arm, just before he got in the entrance.

              “What do you think you’re doin’, Punk?” Bucky asked, frowning. It wasn’t a mad frown, he was just hurt that Steve wasn’t spending time with him on what could very well be their last day together. Steve huffed and pulled his arm from Bucky’s grasp.

              “What do you think I’m doing?” Steve replied. “I’m trying my luck.” He said, brushing the bangs from his face.

              “As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you. Worse: they’ll actually take you.” Bucky almost snapped.

              Steve frowned. “Look I know you don’t think I can’t do this-“ Steve started.

              “This isn’t about how you are, Steve. This is war!” He said, voice raising. “There are so many other important jobs, here.” Bucky said.

              “What do you want me to do collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?-”

“Yes! Why not?” Bucky cut in.

“I can’t do that, Bucky! Not while other men are laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than that.” Steve said, shaking his head. Bucky just didn’t understand. It wasn’t about proving himself anymore. Steve wanted to help, he _needed_ to help. “That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me!”

“Oh, cause you got nothing to prove?” Bucky said, low. And it was a harsh blow to Steve’s heart. Bucky knew how much it meant to be treated like he wouldn’t break. To be treated as if he could take on the world like any average Joe, but what Steve didn’t get was that he wasn’t an average Joe. No, to Bucky his body didn’t matter. Steve’s heart was far too big and his skull too thick to be average. Bucky knew damn well Steve would get himself killed trying to help someone else, and he wouldn’t be able to live without the little blonde.

Steve shook his head and glared at the ground. “Don’t you have a date to get back to?” He said, his anger seeping into his voice. Bucky’s face dropped before his mouth set in a firm line. He took a few steps back, saluted Steve and left without another word. Steve let out a shuddery sigh and force himself to keep his feelings in check. Bitter regret bubbled up in this throat like raw bile. They were in public, and he couldn’t do this now. He walked over to the table and signed up, then sat and waited to see a doctor.

-          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Steve was sitting on the medical table. He fiddled with his suspenders as the assistant left. “Just wait here.” They said, but Steve had a bad feeling in his gut. He got up and grabbed his shoes from where they sat on a chair.

       Then a Military Police officer came in, and Steve felt his heart go into his throat. They found out. He was caught and he was going to be thrown in jail for lying on enlistment forms. Shit. Shit shit shit! His heart was racing in his chest but he forced the anxiety down as another man walked in after the officer.

       “Thank you.” A German man said, closing the curtain behind him. He had Steve’s folder in his hands. Steve’s brow creased in confusion as he looked at the other man.

              The man opened the folder and glanced at it. “So… you want to go overseas?” He spoke, glancing back up at Steven. Steve stared at him, clearly unsure. “Kill some Nazis?”

              “Uh, Excuse me?” Steve asked. The man came forward and extended his hand to Steve, for a shake.

              “Doctor Abraham Erskine. I represent the Strategic Scientific Reserve.” Steve stood up and shook his hand.

              “Steve Rogers.” He greeted, still slightly unsure what was going on. He wanted to know if he had to run before he was arrested. He was a little put off by the smile, and the accent. But in this time, you didn’t really trust Germans…

              “Where are you from?” Steve asked, after a moment of silence between the two. The Doctor looked up from Steve’s file.

              “Queens. 73rd Street and Utopia Parkway. Before that Germany.” He said with a small shrug. “This troubles you?” Steve quickly shook his head with a quiet “no”.

              “Where are you from, Mr. Rogers? Hm? Is it New Haven?” He looked at the file more closely. “Five exams; in five different cities-“

              “That might not be the right file.” Steve quickly interjected. He didn’t need this. Not now. The last thing he wanted was to be thrown in jail before he could see Bucky off. 

              “Oh it is not the exams I am interested in. It’s the five tries.” He shut the file and walked back over to Steve. “But, you didn’t answer my question. Do you want to kill Nazis?” He repeated. Steve blinked and licked his lips nervously.

              “Is this a test?” He asked, hesitating slightly on his answer. The Doctor gave a short nod. “Yes.”

              Steve gave a small shake of his head, looking the Doctor in the eye. “I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from.” The Doctor smiled some and nodded.

              “Well, there are already so many big men fighting this war… maybe what we need now is the little guy.” He said, reopening the file. He crossed something out and shut it again. “I can offer you a chance.” He said, leaving the small examination room.

              Steve scurried behind him, grabbing his coat. His heart was hammering with excitement and nerves. “Only a Chance.” The Doctor continued.

              “I’ll take it!” Steve said, trying to keep his excitement at bay.

              “Good…. So where is the little guy from? Actually. ” He asked, opening the file again and filling in a new enlistment form.

              “Brooklyn.” Steve answered, honestly. Steve smiled some, as the doctor stamped the file. He handed it back to Steve.

              “Congratulations, Soldier.” The Doctor said, walking away. Steve opened the file to see what had been changed. The first thing he saw was the “A1” stamp, and it was like a dream come true. He had to go home and tell Bucky.


	15. How could success be this confusing?

Steve rushed home as quickly as he could. He was so happy, so ecstatic. He got in! He actually got into the army with all of his health issues! He was going to be a solider, and he couldn’t be any more proud. Steve opened the front door of their apartment and smiled, expecting to find Bucky. He quickly fell from cloud nine though, when he was greeted with a dark empty apartment.

              “Bucky?” Steve called, checking the small kitchen, he checked the living room and then started toward the bedroom. “Buck? You here…?” He asked opening the door.

              The first thing Steve noticed was the cots were pushed to the separate walls, just like before they stared dating. Steve’s heart started to ache in his chest. The two blankets were laid out on his bed, along with the two pillows, leaving the other cot bare. Steve walked over to the wardrobe and gasped quietly.

              Most of Bucky’s clothes were gone. Steve was left alone in the apartment and Bucky packed up and left….Oh God, he left before Steve could fix things. The thought of telling Bucky that he made it into the army quickly left the blonde. He just wanted to apologize. He needed to let Bucky know he was sorry that he was such a stubborn ass.

              Steve sank down the door way, a hand covering his mouth. Tears welled up in his baby blue eyes. James was gone… Steve couldn’t give him one more night together like he wanted. God damn, it that was all Bucky wanted tonight! He had tried so hard with that stupid future fair…and Steve ruined it because he was desperate to get in the army?

              Hot angry tears ran down his cheeks and he turned, punching the wall. He let Bucky go. He didn’t deserve someone as good to him as Bucky was. He let Bucky slip through his fingers. He punched the wall again and again until his hand ached and he let out a ragged sob. Bucky only wanted one more good night with Steve…and Steve couldn’t even give him that.

-          - - - - - - - - - - - -

Steve went to basic training with a grain of salt. He was still so bitter about ruining Bucky’s last night of freedom before he got shipped out to war.  He stood in line, listening to the commanding officer talk when a woman came up. Steve’s heart stopped a moment.

       She was beautiful. Peggy was absolutely stunning, and she stole Steve’s breath away. The soft red bow of her lips. He licked his a little, self-conscious about the idea of what they would feel like if they kissed. God damn! He shouldn’t be thinking like that! Bucky was gone but that didn’t mean they were split. …Right?

       He watched as Peggy decked a guy in the face and just- _hot damn._ Steve was head over heels already… She was a spit fire, and she carried herself like a man but with so much more respect. She met Steve’s eye and he just gave a timid smile, fighting off the blush that threatened to take over his face. Then something occurred to Steve.

       If Peggy was a commanding officer….did she know about his condition? Did any of them know? And if not they would certainly find out if he ever took another medical exam. Steve forced those thoughts away and tried to focus. He needed to prove himself here. He was just as good as any of these other soldiers. He wasn’t a mistake, no matter how he felt about himself.

       Even though Steve had gotten lost in his thoughts, he didn’t miss a beat. They were standing in rows, ordered to do jumping-jacks, and that was what he was doing. When the grenade was thrown, he threw himself on it, curling up and bracing for impact. “Get away! Get back!” He yelled, curling up again. Peggy stopped and stared at him, her hands on his hips.

       Steve sat up when the grenade didn’t go off. He looked around, confused again. “Is…Is this a test?” He asked. He ignored the slight burning in his lungs as he panted softly. He was forcing himself past his physical limits, and he hoped that it was enough.

-          - - - - - - - -

Steve and Peggy had grown close. It was the first time in his life that he could ever really talk to a girl, and he really didn’t understand why. Peggy was far more beautiful than any of the other’s that he had failed with. Maybe it was because he felt no pressure to try and win her over? Steve saw her as a woman, who deserved and demanded respect, and that was what he tried to give her.

              Steve was relieved that she treated him like a man, like a normal soldier. It meant the world to him that she returned the same respect. He was so used to being picked on, being called ‘the little guy’. It was such a nice change… It almost made him forget why he was there. It was the day before the procedure, and Steve was mildly nervous. He was trying to think of it as another surgery, he had had them before and they never made him that nervous.

              He didn’t have the guts to ask Erskine if anyone knew what he was. He knew the Doctor knew, but was overlooking it. It… it made Steve happy in a way. Erskine looked past all of his physical flaws that stopped him at the door before, and looked into his person. Erskine saw what Bucky saw, that huge heart that resided in Steve’s skinny boney asthmatic chest.

As Steve laid in his regulation bed he thought about Bucky. He prayed quietly that he was still safe and alive, and that he would somehow get to see him again. He was still so sore about what had happened weeks ago. He was trying not to focus on how he was the Army’s last hope. He didn’t want to think about how, if this experiment failed with him, it was game over. If _Steve_ failed the experiment…it was game over. 


	16. The Beginning of the end.

Steve grit his teeth through the procedure. It hurt, he could feel the change in his body, and he could feel everything _grow_. It was incredible, and terrifying at the same time. But, Steve Rogers wasn’t one to back down because of a little pain and fear, no he wanted to see this through to the end. When the machine opened up, he gasped quietly, exhausted, but he could feel his body already healing itself, and his brain just couldn’t wrap around it yet. He looked down at Peggy and offered a weak smile.

“How do you feel?” She asked, concerned, but Steve could see the look of amazement in her eyes too.

“Taller…” He breathed, laughing softly.

\--------

And before Steve knew it, he was being shoved on stage instead of on the front lines, and he didn’t understand. He felt like a fool, a useless show monkey… He was made to be a solider, and that was what he _wanted and needed_ to be.

When he did the show for the actual troops Steve- Well Steve felt like shit. These were the men he was supposed to be fighting with, and they were laughing at him. He felt worse than when he thought about telling Bucky what he was, but now he couldn’t go into an asthma/panic attack induced fainting spell…at least that was a good thing.

When Steve heard that the 107th\- _Bucky_ , was taken prisoner by a HYDRA cell, his stomach felt like it was boiling lead. He didn’t care if he was disobeying orders. He didn’t care if it was going AWOL, he had to be a soldier, and he had to save his friend. He would deal with everything the commanding officers would throw at him when he got back. Though, it was really amazing that Peggy was, well… approving of this behavior. It made Steve’s heart flutter through the worry and panic.

\-------------

              “Steve….?” Bucky asked as he looked up, confusion clear in his groggy eyes. Steve wanted nothing more than to deck all of the HYDRA scum that had done this to his friend, his lover, whatever they were now.

              “Yeah, Buck, It’s me…come on.” He whispered, getting him up from the table and slinging his arm around his newly broad shoulders.

              “What happened to you?” Bucky asked as they started to exit the cell he was being kept in.

              “I joined the army.”  Bucky snorted softly.

              “Did it hurt?” He asked, weakly squeezing Steve’s shoulders.

              “A little.” He responded, looking around to take in their surroundings. Steve felt little bursts of emotions within his chest. Bucky was safe because of him: Pride. Bucky was _safe and alive:_ Joy. But, Bucky had obviously been experimented on: Rage. Steve didn’t know which one to act on. He bit his lip to try and concentrate. They had a mission at hand, and with so many lives at stake right now, Steve didn’t want to fuck up.

\---------

              Steve smiled a little at Bucky when he came into his tent.

              “I’m shocked they didn’t kick your ass out of the army, disobeying orders like that…. You’ll get yourself killed.” He teased slightly. Steve shook his head a little, a fond smile on his face. Steve knew he was teasing, but Bucky still looked worse for ware, and Steve was more concerned about that than his own wellbeing currently.

              “Yeah well….if you save over a hundred men, they can’t really kick you out. Besides…. I’m an icon now, and a soldier. It wouldn’t be good for the army’s image.” Steve said, shrugging his shoulders halfheartedly.

              Bucky walked over and sat beside him on the cot, his hand going to rest on Steve’s knee. Steve looked at him at a side glance and laid his hand over Bucky’s. “Buck I-“

              “Shuddup Steve… I know what you’re gonna say. I’m just glad you are safe, even if the army took you.” He said softly, squeezing Steve’s hand. They couldn’t do much, not here. If any of the other commandos found out that Steve was what he was, or that he and Bucky were an item….Steve didn’t want to think about it because it would be so much worse than what happened to that man in the back alley at home.

              The blonde let out a soft sigh and looked at his friend, giving a timid smile that he hoped translated to ‘I love you.’ Bucky returned the same look and Steve’s heart settled warmly in his chest.

              “So…tell me what happened to you, Big Guy?” Bucky asked, sitting back more on the cot. Steve chuckled and nodded, sitting back more too, their shoulders together.

              “So…back at home when I went to enlist…this Doctor came up to me. He asked me a few questions and said that maybe it was time the army called in the little guy. He told me about this serum he created and how it would make ‘super soldiers’. We did the experiment and this is what happened to me…. I ain’t sick anymore. But uh- everything else is the same.” He said the last part softly. Bucky smiled tenderly at Steve.

              “Now your outside match your insides then, Huh soldier?” He teased again, eyes roaming over Steve. Steve knew it was a big difference from what he was before. Bucky didn’t have to worry about him being sick, about him getting hurt. But he was still him….Steve was still just that small kid from Brooklyn, just like Bucky said.

\---------

              It all went wrong…. _It all went so so so wrong._ Steve wanted to scream, but no sound came out. It was all stuck behind the rock in his throat. Bucky- _Bucky!!_ He…He fell. He fell and Steve couldn’t save him, not this time. He held onto the side of the train, his eyes searching desperately for where Bucky was. To see if he could find him and get him before it was too late. But…but it was far too late, Steve, and Bucky was gone. Steve was alone. He felt his shoulders shake as he clung to the side of the train, wrecked sobs leaving him. For once in his life, Steve Rogers felt helpless… and it crushed his soul. ‘Why couldn’t it have been me…?’ He thought despairingly.

\------

              Steve stared at the water ahead of him. The plane was going down, and there was no going back now. He said his goodbye to Peggy, and as much as he loved her, yes…it was defiantly love, it wouldn’t be the same. His life felt hollow without his best friend, without Bucky. Steve didn’t want to try and replace him either, no one could _ever_ replace him, not even Peggy. He set Peggy’s picture up and looked at it. As the plane split the icy covering of the water, Steve closed his eyes and imagined. He imagined a happy life, with all of the people he loved, in a world not scarred by war.

              Steve didn’t think about the fear he had felt in his life, the fear about his body. He didn’t even remember the uncertainty of before he was a solider. He just thought of happiness, and comfort as the cold water swallowed him. Good night, Little Soldier, until we meet again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm sorry for the massive delay, I'm back now and working on the second part of this series already. I already know you guys are gonna hate me, but I'm living up to the pen name. Please review, it means a lot. (Even if it is just to yell at me for making you cry <3)


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